The Truth

A dear friend of mine made a comment that my blog is becoming an update on how Isabelle is developing and maybe not so much about how I am dealing with motherhood etc. She is right, it has become more an update and that wasn’t really the idea of the blog (it will certainly be part of it).

The aim of this blog was to share how I felt about becoming a mother, good and bad things, ups and downs. I guess the reason it has moved away from the original aim is because I have been struggling a bit and been scared of telling the truth I guess, I have been a chicken one can say.

So, here we go...lets tell the truth

Becoming a mother has been much harder than I imagined. Even though I can’t really pin point what has changed it still feels harder. It wasn’t like I was going out a lot before Isabelle or doing much more. I still had the responsibility of Louis and of course a husband but for some reason I have been struggling with being at home much more. Not contributing with money to the family and I guess I have been feeling a bit stuck, strangled by my situation.

Most of all I have been struggling with homesickness. I constantly have guilt that I am not in Sweden and sharing this experience with my mum. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about how much I hurt her by being here.

Being a mother and what to do with a baby is certainly not straight forward all the time. There have been plenty of times I been wanting to rip my hair out, scream or bang something because she won’t sleep, she cries or refuse to give me one second to breath.

For me a hard part has also been dealing with Louis. He is use to getting two long walks a day and two 5 min walks. A baby takes 100% of your time and the two hours walks need to be on top of that and it is a struggle. I sometime get desperate when she is screaming from tiredness but can’t sleep or is hungry (many times I don’t know what it is) and he is barking because he wants something...on several occasions I have broken down in tears to be honest. There is no need hiding that I cry a lot.

Loneliness has also been a big issue. Being new to Australia and don’t have a big network of friends and a husband who works a lot I have been feeling very lonely. Without my good friend and neighbour Emma things would have gone quite bad I think. She has been a great friend and a lifeline for me over the last 6 months.

However, I think, or at least hope things are changing. I am getting better to communicate with Craig and asking for help. I am trying to get some time for me and figure out what it is I want to do with that time...I find it very hard also knowing what I want to do when I have the time...I know maybe odd.

My mothers’ group is lovely and I am creating some new friends there and Isabelle is growing and I am hoping I am learning more about being a mother. So far I probably haven’t been the best mother but I am doing my best and improving all the time.

I could go on forever but this is a start.

Izzy update: She is on all her fours
Right.

Got to go and do some cleaning before she wakes up. At least she has given me 45 mins now....The house is in a right mess!!!